Sunday, 28 July 2013

Dear Yahweh

Dear Yahweh, 

Regarding your application for permission to create a universe. I've taken a look at your plans and before I can give you my decision there are some things I need to highlight. 

First thing I'd like to address is the size of your universe. If I'm reading this correctly, you're building hundreds of billions of galaxies, each with hundreds of billions of stars. However you plan on putting life on only one planet. Although I can understand that such a universe would look spectacular, I'm concerned at the waste of materials that your proposal would generate. 

I fail to understand why you're going to create everything in six days but all evidence will point to the universe being billions of years old. Are you deliberately trying to delude the humans? Is it your goal to make the people who literally believe your story look like morons? I can't understand why you'd do that if these are the people who will be your biggest supporters. This is a big area of concern. 

As Earth is the only planet on which you plan to place life, I'll concentrate the rest of my review there.  

You're starting with just two people, though leaving evidence that evolution is actually responsible for the diversity of life. Again I must ask, are you deliberately trying to make your biggest supporters look stupid? Why would you do that? Regarding your original two people, it seems you plan on 'tricking' these people, with talking snake I might add, into eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil - even though you don't actually want them to. You're then going to cast them out of this 'Garden of Eden' for doing this? I hate to sound rude, but are you crazy? If you don't want them to gain knowledge of good and evil...why put the tree there in the first place? What's wrong with you? Then you plan on labelling all humans from this point on as 'sinners' because of this one event, this 'original sin' in their past. Do you understand the descendants of these people had no control over this event? More on that later. 

Moving on a little - After a few generations you're flooding entire planet. Again, I need to ask, what is wrong with you? You seem to fail to understand these people are going to behave AS YOU CREATED THEM! It is completely insane to wipe out the planet when the people are as you intend them to be. You have foreknowledge, remember? Why create these people if they're going to be so 'sinful' that you will then feel the need to wipe them out? I don't think you've considered this at all. Then to continue on with the human race you're going to save some bloke called Noah and his family. You're going to have him load millions of animals onto a boat. Seven pairs of each kind of clean animal and one pair of each kind of unclean. I've seen the dimensions you propose for this boat. It's simply not going to work. He's going to need a bigger boat. 

At this point I will need to skip forward a bit because, well, to put it bluntly, your plan involves an incredible amount of nonsense and I simply don't have time to address each and every issue I've found in your submission. I would like to say though that your plan of having a rape victim marry the rapist is simply outrageous and one of the most disgusting things I've ever been presented in Universe Planning. I saw too that you include a guide for people regarding how much they can beat their slaves. I'm struggling to understand how you can plan on being a god of your own universe yet still think that slavery is an acceptable idea. 

I'm sure you were aware this was coming - we need to have a talk about this Jesus character. So many problems here. Not the least of which is that you're going to go to earth...but not as you, as your son. Then you will sacrifice yourself as your yourself as 'God', to save people You are joking, right? First of all, you wipe out the planet with a flood, then the humans go 'bad' again so you want to save them with human sacrifice? I'm really not sure how you can expect people to take this plan seriously. You say that 'Jesus' will die for the humans' sins but again you seem to completely fail to understand that YOU are creating all these humans with sin to begin with. This is amateur to say the least. 

You say that for humans to come to you in heaven once they die they will have to accept you - but as Jesus - as their lord and saviour. However I've looked at the numbers and by the year they call 2013, only 2 in every 7 humans on Earth will believe the Jesus story. I cannot highlight the significance of this enough. You are starting what is essentially a cult of human sacrifice in order to have humans 'saved' from sins which, as previously mentioned, THEY didn't commit. This is just preposterous. I can see why so few humans are going to be convinced by this story. It's completely asinine. And for this imagined 'crime' of not being able to believe this ridiculous story, your plan is to sentence these humans, by the billions, to eternity in 'Hell'? How can you claim to be an 'all-loving' god and condemn billions of these humans you claim to 'love' to eternity in hell? I'm staggered. I highly recommend you have a cup of tea and a sit down. 

This leads me to my next point. You state that you want want to be known as an all-loving, all-powerful, all-knowing god yet no aspect of your plan points to this being the case.

All-loving: As previously stated, billions of people will end up in hell under your plan. For centuries women are going to be treated as subservient to men. Homosexuals are going to be persecuted and receive disgusting treatment because of your teachings, and millions and millions of people are going to be killed by people who believe in you because they don't like the way other people believe in you. How can you expect to be considered 'all-loving'? All loving, but 'conditions apply' perhaps. 

All-powerful: First - Satan. How do you expect to be considered all-powerful when you allow a nemesis, which you created, to have control over people? Your plan involves Satan bringing people to evil and having them do things you'd rather them not do. It seems pointless to point out to you that an all-powerful god would defeat this 'Satan' character in an instant if he didn't want him doing these things, but what's worse is that you KNOW this is going to happen. You needn't defeat him, you needn't create him in the first place. Why have him in your plan at all? You plan to allow evil and tragedy but do nothing about it. Your plan has you nowhere near 'all-powerful'. 

All-knowing: You expect to be considered 'all-knowing' but you make mistakes? You're *twice* going to set in motion plans to right the wrongs of the humans. You're going to send humans to hell knowing in advance what 'sins' they're going to commit, and knowing that billions of them won't be able to believe in your story. Your plan also includes you being 'tricked' by Satan. You're going to kill Job's children, kill his livestock, then you're going to torture Job and you're then going to tell Satan that he, Satan, caused you to move against Job without cause. You *know* this is going to happen because it's part of your plan yet you're going to try the 'The Devil made me do it' excuse? I cannot, for a single moment, understand how you would think any reasonable person would consider you all-knowing if you're going to claim to be tricked when it's all part of your plan! 

Yahweh, your plan is atrocious. You're going to sit idly by why children are raped, yet intervene on Earth to allow already millionaire sports people become richer by helping them win sporting events. You're going to allow millions of children to starve to death while accepting praise from privileged people sitting down to meals that are essentially feasts. You're going to send millions of genuinely kind, caring, honest people to hell because they can't accept the Jesus story, whilst allowing life long thieves, paedophiles, rapists, and murderers into heaven if they accept Jesus and are saved. You're going to send natural disasters to earth killing tens, hundreds, thousands and on occasion millions of people at a time, so you can be praised for sparing one life. You're going to provide absolutely nothing a critically thinking person could accept as evidence you exist and then demand that they believe in you anyway. I could go on and on about how ridiculously bad this plan is but I have neither the time nor inclination. 

Yahweh - it's not going to come as a surprise, but your submission is terrible. Your application to create a universe is, without reservation, denied. 


  1. Nice work sir! I like the creativity combined with fact and theistic fiction.

  2. hilarious :)

    I'm guessing Yahweh resubmitted his application unchanged and just got a different bureaucrat who approved it without reading it.

  3. Best blog post I've ever read. Bar none. Thanks :-)

  4. Thanks everyone. Your comments are much appreciated :)

  5. I truly wish I could make every person I know read this. Excellently written. poignant and succinct. It is bookmarked. Can I get your permission to print it out so I can get a few technologically challenged people to read it?

    1. Thank you :) You certainly can, please include that it's written by me on it :)

  6. Brilliant!

    I love the deconstruction; itemizing each error. It's fantastic.

    More, please?

  7. I think this submission must have been made to god's god. You know the one; the uncaused cause causer. It all sounds so incredible as if it's just been MADE-UP!

    Thanks for this witty article.


  8. Hahaha... Perfcetion... ����������