Dear Yahweh 2

Tim 'Timbo' Buckley is a plumber down on earth working around the time of Noah's flood. He works directly for God (Yahweh) and tries to keep all the water systems up and running for the supreme lord.

After rain for five days straight, Timbo sends Yahweh and email...

Dear Yahweh,

Mate, it’s been raining a solid 5 days down here and a few of the boys are a bit worried that we’re going to have some issues if it continues much longer. Any idea when you’re going to turn this off?

Dear Timbo,

No spoilers, but...you’re looking at a fair while yet.

Dear Yahweh,

Oh fair dinkum. We simply don’t have the capacity to deal with this. We don't have storm water drains like we will 6000 years in the future you know, and even then they wouldn’t cope with this kind of deluge. Seriously if this continues much longer whole towns are going to flood!

Dear Timbo,

hehehe.

Dear Yahweh,

WTF? How is that something to laugh at? Mate, I’m not sure what’s going on here but if this continues people are GOING TO DIE. I mean...it’s weird because I know you know this, but how can you let this happen?

Dear Timbo,

I don’t like the way things have become down on earth. The people...they all got wicked. They...they’re not as nice as I hoped they’d be. So… How to tell you. I’m going to make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights and ….well….I’m going to drown them all.

No! Wait, that sounds bad. Not *all* as such. Do you know Noah? (He did that Abraham impression at the party a few months back?) Anyway, I’m going to spare him and his family. Drown everyone else.

Dear Yahweh,

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Dear Timbo,

Watch your tone sunshine. I’m not above smiting people you know.

Look Timbo, we go back a long way. Hell, we’ve known each other since Adam was a boy. So let me tell you, I know that on the surface wiping out an entire population of humans, save for one family, and having that one family collect two of each kind of animal *seems* like a totally ridiculous idea when I am a ‘god’ and not only are these people behaving exactly as I planned but I could also fix this in an instant without the need to wipe out the planet, but you don’t yet see the full picture!

Dear Yahweh,

Sorry - I didn’t mean to upset you. Please hold off on the smiting for now if you could. Not that it fucking matters because apparently I’ll be dead soon anyway, you prick.

I’ve got to ask - you do know you’re a god, right? I mean you can do ANYTHING. If you want people to stop being ‘wicked’ just blink or wiggle your nose or wave a fucking wand or something and STOP them being wicked! Just get into the goddamned heads and remove wickedness! Why do you have to kill them? Seriously mate, this is GENOCIDE

And what the fucking fuck do you mean ‘Two of each kind of animal’? You’re going to drown MILLIONS of animals...what did they ever do? Stupid bloody waste if you ask me. Why did you even bother creating them. You KNEW this was going to happen right? And how the bloody hell do you plan on saving these ‘two of every kind’? And while we’re on it...........the fuck is a ‘kind’ anyway? You can’t just make shit up you know. Well...you can, clearly, but don’t you think having some kind of coherence to your plan would be helpful? I’m lost for words. I just can’t see how you can possibly, even for a moment, think this is a decent plan.

Also, what do you mean I don’t see the big picture? What could possible make this okay?

Dear Timbo,

Rainbows. lol!

Dear Yahweh,

You’re mental.